RandR
by Dee9
Summary: On R and R Archer ends up married and Hoshi ends up in jail
1. Default Chapter

R and R  
  
By Dee and Zyphy  
  
Chapter 1  
  
Trip gave Archer his best little boy's smile. "Captain, I swear I told the man just what Hoshi told me. T'Pol ye Archer ouon was mana und mater. Couna ya jut ye foust perferro."  
  
Hoshi beamed as her hand hesitantly covered her mouth. Trying to suppress her laughter, her eyes were wide as they glanced at Trip. A muffled giggle escaped her lips. Archer frowned at her, while Trip gave an exasperated sigh and T'Pol raised a slender eyebrow. Hoshi tried to control herself as she let her hand fall to her side. Gazing at Jonathan, with such a serious expression on his face, Hoshi fell into another fit of laughter.  
  
Captain Archer's annoyed face glared at her, "Hoshi, would you mind telling me what's so funny?"  
  
She tried to quell her laughter. With sparkling eyes, she shot a look at Trip before she answered. "Captain, he didn't ask for a fake preacher. He asked for an ugly preacher.'' She started to giggle again. Hoshi had to leave before the realization settled on Jonathan that he was now a married man. As she passed T'Pol, she gave the Vulcan a hug. She pulled away from the shocked woman, speaking in merriment, "It's so nice to meet you Mrs. Archer. I hope you two are very happy." Bolting down the hallway giggling, Hoshi made her escape.  
  
Archer gaped. Trip gave a half-hearted smile and shrugged his shoulders. T'Pol broke the silence. "Captain Archer, I warned you about contamination and not studying local customs." She spun on her heel and proceeded to leave.  
  
Archer watched her slender frame decisively depart. With each step, she seemed to echo 'I told you so'.  
  
Slowly, he closed his eyes, collapsing against the wall behind him. Looking across to Trip, Jonathan sighed before he spoke. "Trip, I want you to place your phaser on kill and then shoot yourself, before I do."  
  
"I wouldn't say those words 'I do' too much if I were you, but you do make a cute couple." Trip grinned and tried to hold in his laughter. Jonathan scowled at Trip. "Well Cap'n, look on the bright side, you still have the honeymoon tonight with an iceberg." Trip couldn't help but laugh as his Captain moaned.  
  
"Trip, I think I need a drink. Want to join me?" Archer gave a little huff-like laugh.  
  
"I don't know if your wife would approve." snickered Trip. "But I am sorry about this. Listen, you could get a divorce. If you think about it, you're only married on this planet. It's not like you 'married' married her. I don't think it really counts. Now if it was by our standards or hers I think you'd be in trouble."  
  
They started walking toward the apartment the Akaali council assigned Archer three days earlier. Archer stared at the door before opening it. Trip followed him in, as two male Akaali walked past and bowed their heads before continuing on their journey. The first thing Archer did after entering the apartment was toss his heavy cloak onto the bed. Walking to the cubbyhole, Archer grabbed a bottle of vodka and two small glasses. He threw a solemn glance at Trip who had made himself comfortable and was sitting at a small square table. His cloak was draped carelessly over the back of his chair.  
  
"I was saving this for a late evening with Riann. THAT'S not going to happen," he said as he crossed over to Trip and sat opposite him. Leisurely Jonathan removed the top and poured them both a stiff drink. "A toast to my wife, T'Pol. I owe that all to you." He declared as he raised his glass.  
  
"To the ice princess, I mean Mrs. T'Pol Archer," toasted Trip, laughingly. Both downed their drinks. Trip refilled the glasses. "To one heck of an R and R. Beaten and bruised. But on the bright side, I was used as a practice dummy by Hoshi who was teaching T'Pol how to kiss.'' He watched his friend's eyes narrow. Damn, he was in love with T'Pol. They had been friends for so long that he knew Jon had finally fallen and fallen hard. Trip added quickly, "I didn't kiss T'Pol. She told me all about the numerous diseases that could be transferred by the human mouth. After hearing her lecture, I wanted a check-up. She sure knows how to kill a man's passion. Jon, next time we go on R and R, I pick the destination. Now a toast, to Hoshi who looks so cute as an Akaali."  
  
Jon raised his glass. He seemed more relaxed. "To a rather unique set of circumstances that led us down this path. To beautiful women. Trip, you better behave 'cause Hoshi is like a little sister to me. I talked her into coming here so I don't want her hurt. I still can't believe she told them I was her father and T'Pol her mother and then told them we weren't married. Now I'm a married to a Vulcan. God, I've hated them for so long. I tried other women. Ignoring her. Being mean. Nothing worked. T'Pol is stunning. She's so intelligent. She's a fighter. She's amazing, always surprising me. To T'Pol and Hoshi. Both beautiful, intelligent and enchanting women. I mean valuable crewmembers," added Archer.  
  
Trip glanced over. He noticed that Riann wasn't mentioned and shook his head. Maybe Hoshi was right after all. "Hear, hear." Trip couldn't help but smile. Jonathan wasn't usually a drinker. Normally he would go on and on about the universe, stars and engines. Now after one drink, he appeared tipsy and a little rambling. Trip could only smile. Maybe Captains didn't do homework but Trip was certain their petite communications officer did, with a bit of help from a certain engineer. Jonathan was quiet. "Jonny, how did this all happen?" wondered Trip, as he shook his head gently.  
  
Jon set his glass down. He leaned back in his chair. "Simple. Women and a little R and R."  
  
Both reflected on the past three weeks and how the whole mess started. Archer realized for him, it began about three and a half weeks ago on Tarsa ...  
  
Captain Jonathan Archer sat calmly in his chair, watching the stars fly by on the screen. Rembrandt couldn't have captured the dazzling display of rich gold's, blues and reds. Exquisite, sensuous, they inspired him as he gazed at the beauty of deep space before him. They were swiftly approaching the edge of another solar system. He glanced over to his science officer. She returned his look by merely raising an eyebrow and a slight widening of her dark eyes. He looked away with a grin. Calm. Icy. Damn good-looking. His officer.  
  
"Captain, I've picked up a distress signal from the fifth planet in this solar system." Hoshi's voice broke through Archer's thoughts.  
  
"How far?" Archer asked Mayweather as he stood and walked behind him.  
  
"One light-minute." Mayweather replied.  
  
He turned to T'Pol to see her looking through the viewer.  
  
"Captain, do you want to answer?" asked Hoshi as she pushed the plug deeper into her ear.  
  
Archer nodded. "Hoshi, please hail them. T'Pol?"  
  
"The planet is Tarsa. Radius is 1145 to 1200 km. Mass equals 1.3 x 1022 kilograms. Density is 1.92 to 2.06 gm/cc. Surface composition mainly H2O, N2, CH4 and CO ices. Atmospheric composition primarily N2, CH4 and CO. Surface temperature is approximately -22( C. Spin period equivalent to 6.39 Earth days. The ship is at latitude 41( 44' N, longitude 49( 55'. Vessel is an unknown configuration. Length is 885 ft. Estimated weight is over 28 tons. No signature signs. I'm reading several exterior hull breaches. Detecting two life forms. The ship should be visible on the view screen now." T'Pol stated, as she kept looking into her viewer.  
  
Archer looked over his shoulder to a screen of static. "Trip."  
  
"Already on it, Captain." Trip popped his head up from underneath a console.  
  
"They're responding, Captain. I'll put it on screen."  
  
The screen came back to life. It showed Archer nothing but a few wavy lines of static.  
  
A small childlike voice rang out. "Torah, ity a bandoloss torya tosha Tzi."  
  
Archer turned to Hoshi. "Did you get that?"  
  
"Sir, I'm going to need a little bit more."  
  
Archer stood in front of the fuzzy screen. "My name is Captain Jonathan Archer of the starship Enterprise from the planet Earth. We are here to assist you."  
  
The small childlike voice rang out again. "Torah, ity a bandoloss torya tosha fredoss lay tee."  
  
Jonathan looked over to Hoshi. Catching her eye, he brought up both of his eyebrows.  
  
"He needs help with his engines. They're offline. There is only he and his pet Tzi."  
  
"Is the translator working?" asked Jonathan.  
  
"Yes, sir. I got it." Hoshi called out as she turned back to her station monitors.  
  
Archer stood in front of the fuzzy screen and repeated, "My name is Captain Jonathan Archer of the starship Enterprise from the planet Earth. We are here to assist you. I'm afraid because of the damage to your ship we won't be able to use our grapping lines. However I could send down an engineer."  
  
"I accept your aid. Many thanks to you Captain Archer. There is only one docking area still in operation on my vessel. You can have use of it. I would like to hear more of this planet Earth and your ship. It peaks my interest," said the voice.  
  
"Do you require medical assistance?" asked Archer.  
  
"No."  
  
As soon as the floating, disembodied voice finished, communications were severed.  
  
Archer began organizing an away team. "Trip, Hoshi, you're with me. T'Pol, you're in charge."  
  
With that, Trip handed his tools over to his assistant.  
  
T'Pol walked over to Archer, "Captain, this is a mistake. The scan shows the alien is under no threat. It would be prudent to inform his own planet and have them pick him up. You are endangering your life unnecessarily. If you insist on this course of action, I should be the one to lead the away team. You Captain, are not expendable."  
  
Archer grinned. His blue eyes sparkled. "You do care about me."  
  
T'Pol was about to speak, only to have Archer place his finger on her lips. "We talked about insubordination, plus to this vessel and me you are not expendable."  
  
Archer turned around and headed to the lift. It was only after all three were inside that Archer commented, "I hope you have some thermal underwear."  
  
Hoshi shivered involuntary, causing Trip to move closer to her and place his arm around her shoulder. He gave her a tight squeeze. "Don't worry Hoshi. I'll keep you warm."  
  
She looked up, meeting his eyes, "Trip, you're not that hot."  
  
His eyes widened, "Gee, thanks Hoshi."  
  
"Oh, Commander Tucker, I didn't mean it that way. It's way below zero down there. I get cold just thinking about it."  
  
During the long shuttle journey to the vessel, Hoshi spent her time concentrating. Rubbing her hand and recalling all that T'Pol had taught her. After connecting to the docking port, they prepared to disembark. The EV suits seemed awkward as they entered the alien spaceship. Captain Archer was offended that no one was there to greet them. After running a scan, it was determined the ship's air was breathable. It was a relief to remove the heavy helmets and toss them back into the shuttle pod. The entire bay was covered in what appeared to be sand.  
  
Archer shook his head. There was something definitely wrong. The three members of the away team came to an abrupt halt. Frozen, they stared at a gigantic, six foot, bipedal in front of them. Hoshi moved a little behind Archer. Trip stepped in front of her, his hand resting on his phaser. The creature stared at them through three watery, gray eyes. Each eye rested on a tiny stump shooting out of the middle of his face where his nose should have been. His mouth was small and catlike.  
  
Archer stepped forward. "I'm Captain Archer from the starship Enterprise from the planet Earth. We are here on a peaceful mission. We came because of your distress signal. Hoshi?"  
  
Hoshi lifted her translator as the creature began to speak.  
  
"RRRR, rhhh." It growled, as it's stubby eyes swung from side to side watching.  
  
Hoshi looked up at the creature in front of her.  
  
"Well, Hoshi, what did it say?"  
  
"So far, RRRR, rhhh."  
  
Both men looked at her as if she had gone crazy.  
  
"Well, that's what it said."  
  
Archer looked frustrated. Trip grinned.  
  
"Cap'n, I hate to say this but our friend there just lifted his leg and peed on the ground."  
  
"Well, at least he's covering it up. That's not the welcome I thought we'd get." Captain Archer's face turned red. "A sandbox. We're standing in a sand box. Hoshi, please tell me I'm not talking to one of their pets."  
  
Hoshi just smiled and shrugged. Trip smirked.  
  
"Just think where we'd be standing if we weren't welcome."  
  
Archer grimaced, rolled his blue eyes and shook his head. "It's going to be one of those days. I should have brought Porthos. Don't anyone dare tell Sub-Commander T'Pol or I'm tossing you both out of an airlock when we get back."  
  
Chapter 2  
  
They could hear the whisper of a bay door opening. Archer took a step forward. In his loudest voice, he called out, "I'm Captain Jonathan Archer from the starship Enterprise."  
  
Hoshi was the first to notice the strong odor wafting over to her. It made her throat close up and her eyes sting until they watered. Rivulets began running down her face.  
  
"Come on. It's okay. You don't have to be afraid. I'm here." Trip moved closer, comfortingly placing an arm about her. Suddenly, the stench almost knocked him off his feet.  
  
Looking over to Archer, he saw the Captain cautiously raise his booted foot. He really stepped in it this time. Archer leaped backward trying to wipe his boot off in the sand, only to have the sand stick all over it.  
  
A form approached, laboring with each step. The animal ran over to its master to receive a small pat on the head and then bounded off. As the being progressed, Captain Archer could only assess that the owner of this vessel was no more than five feet seven including the bulky EV suit it wore. Archer expected the suit to shatter into a thousand pieces at any moment falling to the sand below. The icy atmosphere made the suit sparkle.  
  
Trip kept his hand on his phaser, trying not to breathe more than absolutely necessary. The alien slowly lifted its thin hand and pulled up its visor. Its face was thin and hollow. Its black eyes were huge, like a child's doll. Its nose reminded Archer of a straw that ran sideways across its face. The mouth was a tiny slit.  
  
Hoshi touched Archer's shoulder.  
  
"Let's try this again. I'm . . ."  
  
But he was interrupted by this wisp of a creature, which covered its straw- like nose with a gloved hand. "Captain Archer, I am pleased to meet you."  
  
The alien seemed to take a deep breath, then its slit mouth turned downward. Slapping the visor down, gasps could be heard. "I'm sorry Captain Archer. I didn't realize you would have such a strong odor."  
  
Trip leaned over and turned off the translator. "Cap'n, I hope it knows that you stink. The rest of us smell pretty good."  
  
Archer shot Trip an exasperated look that told it all. Nothing seemed to work out for him today. Archer slumped his shoulders, while Hoshi turned the translator back on.  
  
After taking a deep breath, the creature slowly raised its visor. It stared at the Captain, waiting, it seemed for his next move.  
  
Archer shifted uncomfortably, trying to push his boot deep into the sand so it wouldn't smell so bad. "We are here to ... "  
  
But he was interrupted again. "Captain Archer, it is indeed a pleasure to meet you. I am Erosha. I hope my pet did not scare you."  
  
Archer gave Erosha a crooked smile. "No. I would like for you to meet my engineer, Commander Tucker." Trip gave Erosha a brilliant smile and a small nod. "And my communications officer, Hoshi Sato." Hoshi gave Erosha a trembling smile. Her lips had turned a light shade of blue.  
  
Erosha took a slight step back. "Forgive me, you are cold. Please, if you follow me. I think you will find the rest of my vessel comfortable." Erosha turned and walked off followed by the away team.  
  
As the doors to the bay opened, the group was hit by a blast of hot air. After the doors closed, Erosha slipped out of its EV suit. The thin body was covered by a gray sleeveless jumpsuit. There were no identification marks or patches visible. Captain Archer still couldn't tell if Erosha was a male or female. He concluded that Erosha must be female since the voice was high and childlike and the name itself sounded female.  
  
Trip broke the silence. "I'd like to take a look at those engines and see what I'm getting myself into."  
  
"Of course, Commander Tucker. It's right down this way, if you will follow me."  
  
Descending into the vessel, Archer and Tucker noted the different designs and technologies. Erosha seemed to know what they where thinking as they gradually made their way to the engine room. "Captain, I couldn't help but notice the interest you have in my ship."  
  
"It's quite unique. It looks like a patchwork from different cultures."  
  
Erosha thin slit turned upward. "You are quite right. My people are merchants, Captain. This ship is a conglomeration of technologies, Klingon, Vulcan, Istarain and several others throughout. That is why I am finding it extremely difficult to repair my engines. I only hope your engineer can be of some assistance."  
  
Erosha was as good as her word. The engine was a kaleidoscope of diverse designs. Wires and cables crisscrossed, many dangling, leading nowhere. While Archer learned more about Erosha, Trip was ready to scream and toss his tools out an air vent. After four hours, even his skill couldn't save the engines. Hell, he couldn't even explain how they worked in the first place. Everything was convoluted. He longed to be back onboard Enterprise with its orderly, clean engine room.  
  
Hoshi had followed Erosha and the Captain through a maze of crates, parts, tools and practically anything imaginable. Archer was checking everything. Instead of seeing a virtual junkyard, he saw wonders. Warily watching for any creepy-crawly creature to make a sudden appearance, Hoshi was growing uncomfortable with Erosha's behavior toward the Captain. Erosha's bare arms, each covered with stubble-like hair, had a tendency to brush against Archer's hand, his arm, his back, and his uniform. There was something she didn't like about Erosha. She just couldn't place it. All Hoshi wanted to do was leave. Not out of fear but because of the disturbing feeling she was developing about this place and Erosha. She didn't like Erosha or trust her/him/it/whatever. Archer seemed too preoccupied, studying a Vulcan communications device, to observe the way Erosha looked at him or ran her forearm's stubble over him. Yuk.  
  
Trip finally conceded defeat. Finding the Captain, he motioned him over. "I'm sorry, Cap'n, I can't tell heads from tails down there but it's a goner." Trip wiped his hands on a rag and stuffed it back into his pocket.  
  
Archer turned to Erosha, to give her the bad news. "I'm sorry, but it seems that we can't help you with these engines. However you can contact your people from the Enterprise and have them rendezvous with us."  
  
"I thank you, Captain. Tuz and I will accompany you to your ship, but we will have to hitch up a small craft for Tuz's litter box." Erosha added, "I can't leave him behind, he'll starve."  
  
Archer frowned then nodded.  
  
It wasn't long before Erosha along with Tuz were ready to leave. Erosha had only one small bundle with her. Archer was amazed at the lightweight craft that Trip, with Erosha's help, attached to the shuttle pod. It was tiny, more of a crate than anything else. The creature rambled in with just a flick of Erosha's hand.  
  
They were heading to the shuttle's hatch when Hoshi detected a horrible stench drifting over to her. Erosha didn't say a word as she entered the shuttle. After everyone was boarded, the door began to close. Gasps and choking sounds were heard. An "Oh, Boy" was quickly followed by a sand- encrusted boot being thrown out the door, which was swiftly slammed shut.  
  
Chapter 3  
  
Archer took the pilot seat. It seemed to take forever to make it through the upper atmosphere.  
  
Erosha leaned forward in her seat toward the Captain. She touched Archer's arm. "You are the lead male of your species, Captain Archer?" she enquired softly.  
  
Trip leaned forward. "Yes, sirree that's our Captain for you, the lead dog."  
  
Erosha looked questioning at him. "Dog?"  
  
"Just an Earth saying. It means the main man," responded Trip.  
  
Archer gave him a deadly look. "Trip."  
  
Trip leaned back in his seat. Hoshi communicated back to the Enterprise that Erosha and her pet had accompanied them. At the word pet, Jonathan looked back at Hoshi and gave her a wicked smile. He wondered how T'Pol was going to take the news of a pet. His mind shifted to T'Pol. He could almost see her running to Phlox for a nasal inhibitor at the mention of the word pet. Hoshi gave the Captain a quizzical look. He slowly turned around in his pilot's seat, with a grin gracing his handsome face. With T'Pol sidetracked by the pet, she wasn't going to ask too many questions of him or about his missing boot. At least he wouldn't look like a complete idiot in front of her. Jonathan was so busy with the controls and trying to outsmart T'Pol, he failed to notice as Erosha moved into the copilot seat beside him. It was only when she started a whiny humming and began rubbing his upper arm that he looked at her.  
  
Seeing Erosha's thin lips approaching his, Archer recoiled from her. She was clinging to him like a wet blanket. Rubbing her hairy forearm repeatedly over his skin, removing the first two layers. Archer started to look forward to meeting T'Pol. He knew she'd say something to dampen the touchy-feely Erosha. In the background, he could hear Trip laughing and Hoshi's low verbal negatives about men in general.  
  
"Erosha, I think you should sit back if you don't mind. I can't fly with this distraction." Archer lowered his eyes to her forearm. She tentatively moved away. Jonathan breathed a sigh of relief as she returned to her seat next to Trip. Trip eyed her suspiciously as she moved her forearm close to his and slowly slid his uniform sleeve back to expose his wrist. Trip pulled his hand away and looked at Erosha. Her eyes were huge. Trip pointed over to Hoshi. "My wife doesn't like other women touching me."  
  
Hoshi looked at him, frowned and shook her head.  
  
"Oh." said Erosha as she backed away.  
  
Pointing at the Captain, Trip added "Now the Captain there, his woman is a Vulcan by the name of T'Pol. It's amazing she let him out of her sight this long."  
  
Hoshi groaned and lowered her head to her upraised hand.  
  
Archer shifted in his chair uncomfortably. The thought of Erosha running that stubble up and down his arm and ripping off his skin wasn't appealing. Neither was the thought that she would think humans were liars. The worst thought was fighting her off once they got aboard the Enterprise. It could result in serious difficulties between the two races. It was better just to play along. "Trip, what have I told you about talking that way about my wife. She doesn't control me." Archer said hoping it would discourage any further advances from Erosha.  
  
"Your woman is a Vulcan?" Erosha's sounded surprised. "And you have survived Pon Farr? You must have great stamina, Captain Archer. I will talk to your woman to see if she would lend you out. I am very impressed."  
  
Hoshi burst out laughing. "I think it's a great idea that you talk to Mrs. Archer about her husband." Hoshi stressed the word husband. "I can't believe you guys, not at all. Ever heard the words 'not interested'?" She whispered under her breath.  
  
Archer groaned as his head sank onto his chest. He should have told Erosha the truth even though he knew it wouldn't have stopped her. T'Pol. Trip couldn't have picked anyone else, oh no. Why should anything be easy? Now all he needed to do was tell T'Pol that until Erosha left the Enterprise, she was to consider herself Mrs. Archer. As they neared the Enterprise, Archer had to do something. "Erosha, T'Pol and I don't show any physical displays of affection in public."  
  
Erosha tilted her head. "I completely understand. Neither does your engineer or his mate. Our species also does the same during trading. We are divided until trading ends. Trading is first and foremost."  
  
It wasn't long until the shuttle was pulled aboard the Enterprise. Archer breathed a sigh of relief. It didn't last long. Assisting Erosha out of the shuttle, Archer noticed T'Pol standing there. Staring at both of them. Exiting the shuttle, Hoshi turned slightly and stopped Trip by placing her hand on his chest. Both watched Captain Archer and Erosha walk toward T'Pol.  
  
Chapter 4  
  
T'Pol was the perfect, stoic Vulcan as Archer approached with Erosha. He was hoping, vainly, to brush past her. Unfortunately, Erosha stopped right in front of T'Pol. Archer tried to move her along by pressing his hand on her back but she didn't budge. Archer shook his head in resignation. "Erosha, this is Sub-Commander T'Pol."  
  
"Sub-Commander, this is Erosha."  
  
Neither woman tried to shake the other's hand, but Jonathan had known they wouldn't. Erosha broke the silence by turning to Archer. "So, this is your mate, Captain Archer? Not bad looking for a Vulcan."  
  
Archer fleetingly wished he could disappear or drop dead. He managed in a weak voice, his blue eyes staring into T'Pol's dark ones, "Yes, this is Mrs. Archer."  
  
T'Pol said nothing but her eyes traveled over them, making Archer feel like a bug being pined to Styrofoam in one of his science classes. T'Pol's eyes rested on his bootless foot which Archer was unsuccessfully attempting to hide behind his booted one. Finally, T'Pol looked deeply into Archer's eyes. "Captain, after we get Erosha settled, I will escort you to see Phlox. Do you recall him? I think that he could help you. It is abnormal for humans to suffer."  
  
He had to shut her up. Archer did the first thing that came to mind. He grabbed T'Pol and kissed her. Damn, she had soft lips. If she was going to kill him after this, he was at least going to give it his all and enjoy it. He was surprised she didn't put up any resistance. When he pulled away, after a good ten minutes, he heard Trip whistle.  
  
Hoshi whispered, "Oh, my. Trip, why can't you do that? Is it because we've been married so long?" She giggled.  
  
Erosha only watched, her thin lips curved up.  
  
T'Pol's eyebrow went up. Before Archer could whisk Erosha away, she said. "Captain, because of this display I am forced to relieve ... "  
  
He grabbed her again and gave her another kiss. This one hard and fast. "Darling, you know that every time you open that beautiful mouth of yours I just have to kiss you." He gave her a little boy's smile and a wink.  
  
T'Pol, who was about to say something, pressed her lips tightly together. Letting Archer and Erosha pass her, her dark eyes bored into his back as she followed behind them. They passed the medical bay as Archer led Erosha to the visitor's quarters. T'Pol detoured into sickbay and found Dr. Phlox there.  
  
"Doctor, I believe Captain Archer is suffering from an illness or dementia."  
  
Phlox raised his hand. "Tell me what makes you think this."  
  
"He is under the impression we are married and kissed me twice. Further, he is not completely attired. He is walking around in one boot," she stated.  
  
"You let him live?" laughed Phlox.  
  
"This is not funny. Captain Archer has momentarily lost his reason. I need to know if he is still capable of commanding the Enterprise," she stated firmly.  
  
"I need to examine him before I can make a diagnosis. If he is running around in one boot and saying you're his wife, there must be a problem or the man has a death wish," added Phlox.  
  
"He will be here within the next 12 minutes."  
  
"If you can get him here." He frowned.  
  
"He has no choice." T'Pol swung around and exited sickbay. Striding purposefully down the ship's interior, she saw Captain Archer talking to Erosha, Trip and Hoshi outside of the guest room. She waited until the guest room door slid closed.  
  
Captain Archer turned uneasily to Trip. "She's here, isn't she?"  
  
"Yes. Maybe we should go check out those engines, Cap'n," Trip spoke loud enough for T'Pol to hear as she approached the small group.  
  
Hoshi shook her head. "You guys are chicken. Just tell her what you idiots came up with." She said in a quiet voice.  
  
He heard T'Pol before he saw her and closed his eyes tightly. Taking a deep breath, he waited.  
  
"Captain, you will come with me." Her voice cut through him like a knife. He didn't turn around to face her.  
  
"I'm busy, T'Pol. Can't this wait?"  
  
Erosha's door whisked open in time to catch Archer words.  
  
"It can't, Captain. I need your attention now." T'Pol's voice sunk an octave.  
  
Archer turned, only to see Erosha. He smiled and rolled his eyes. "That's why there can't be anything between us Erosha." He tossed a look over his shoulder at T'Pol. "She just can't get enough of me."  
  
"Captain, I said I will not wait. This is important. I need your attention now," she ordered.  
  
Captain Jonathan Archer turned around. "It will have to wait."  
  
T'Pol stepped closer to Archer, placed her hand between his shoulder and neck and nerve-pinched him.  
  
Trip, Hoshi and Erosha watched in amazement as T'Pol leaned under the falling Captain and allowed him to land on her shoulder. She stood, carrying an unconscious Jonathan and headed towards sickbay.  
  
Trip could hardly breathe. "Boy, when she wants it now, she's not kidding."  
  
Hoshi hit him in the ribs with her elbow. '"We better follow them so she doesn't kill him."  
  
Erosha commented, "Your sensuality is contagious. You can even make a Vulcan horny."  
  
Trip was about to say something but Hoshi garbed his arm and bolted down the hallway with him in tow.  
  
As Erosha's door closed, she smiled. "We are going to make a fortune."  
  
Chapter 5  
  
Jonathan awoke with the worst headache he could ever remember. It felt as if someone was pushing pins through his brain. The last thing he remembered was T'Pol coming up to him. Then he woke up here. Before opening his eyes, he could hear Phlox and T'Pol arguing.  
  
"Sub-Commander, I am telling you right now there are no drugs in his system. No infections. No alien traces. No allergies. No brain lesions. Everything is normal." Phlox's voice sounded fatigued.  
  
"Then it is an unknown substance or a mental defect that you are not equipped to decipher," she declared, her voice steady.  
  
With every word uttered, Jonathan felt a sharp pain stab through his brain. Cautiously, he opened his eyes.  
  
"Captain, good to see you among the living. Can I ask you some questions?" quizzed Phlox.  
  
Archer just nodded his head yes.  
  
"Are you Captain Jonathan Archer?"  
  
Archer nodded his head yes.  
  
"Is Sub-Commander T'Pol your wife?"  
  
Archer found his voice. "No, right now she brig material." He growled out.  
  
Phlox turned to T'Pol. "Either your nerve-pinch brought him back to reality or else he has some explaining to do."  
  
Hoshi stepped out of the shadows dragging a reluctant Trip with her. "Sub- Commander, I think these two have some explaining to do."  
  
Archer grumbled under his breath. "Trip did it. It's all his fault."  
  
T'Pol looked at both of them. "Explain?"  
  
Neither spoke.  
  
Finally, Hoshi nervously said, "When we were in the shuttle, Erosha was hanging all over the Captain. When he told her to sit back in the passenger area, she started with Trip. He told her that I was his wife and you were married to Jon, I mean Captain Archer. It seemed to cool her heels." Hoshi shook her head knowing that T'Pol wouldn't understand the human phase. "She stopped chasing them."  
  
Archer gave T'Pol a lame smile.  
  
T'Pol dismissed both Trip and Archer. "Hoshi, explain why the Captain was without his boot?"  
  
Hoshi started to laugh, "I promised I wouldn't tell, but it's really stupid and explainable."  
  
T'Pol eyed Archer as she came up to his bedside. "It seems Captain that I can not let you out of my sight without you getting yourself into trouble, mostly with females of any species. "  
  
"T'Pol, I'm sorry. I can make this up to you. She attacked me. Wait a minute. You attacked me too. What is it with you women?"  
  
Hoshi was the one to answer that question, "Stupid men."  
  
Archer ignored her. "Sub-Commander, if you could just play the part in front of her till she's picked up by her own people, I promise I won't toss you in the brig for assaulting a superior officer."  
  
T'Pol looked straight ahead. "No touching, no kissing, no saying 'Darling' and no having her pet around me."  
  
Her pet. Archer groaned. He forgot her pet with everything that was going on. He could just imagine the smell when they opened up that cage.  
  
Of course, Trip couldn't keep his mouth shut. "How about you, wife?" Trip asked as he brought Hoshi's hand to his lips and kissed it.  
  
She looked over towards T'Pol. "No touching, no kissing, no saying 'Darling' and no pet. That thing stinks to high heaven."  
  
Trip looked at the prone figure of Archer who was holding his head. "Well Cap'n, it looks like we both married Vulcans, except mine didn't knock me out and carry me over her shoulder to sick bay."  
  
Jonathan only frowned. "Yep. But mine's a great kisser, maybe a little more physical then I wanted but you can't have everything. T'Pol, we have to have a long talk about knocking out your Captain and carrying him around. We are going to discuss what you did to me." Another wave of pain hit him. "Doc, can you give me something for this headache? T'Pol, I can't believe you didn't give me time to explain. You should know me by now." He sounded hurt.  
  
"Captain, you did not explain. You could have needed medical attention. My only thought was for your safety and the safety of the Enterprise." She stopped for a minute and seemed to be thinking before she spoke. "I will play the part of Mrs. Archer to Erosha. I regret nerve-pinching you."  
  
He couldn't believe she could regret anything. Well, he thought as he closed his eyes, waiting for Phlox to give him something for his headache, his science officer was full of surprises. He wondered briefly if kissing her was worth a headache. He smiled. Oh, yes, most definitely. He felt a prick on his shoulder, slowly his headache dissipated.  
  
It had been a long day. All he wanted to do was sleep, but Archer knew there was too much to do. Meet with Erosha, check her pet, contact someone from her planet to pick her up, set up a meeting place. Hopefully everything would return to normal. He had fallen into Murphy's Law 'Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong' or something similar. So far, he had tried to communicate with a pet, stepped in it twice, been felt up by a female alien who ripped off at least two layers of skin, experienced a nerve-pinch induced migraine and had his first officer call him demented. It had to get better; it couldn't possibly get any worse.  
  
He must have fallen asleep. When he next opened his eyes, his headache had disappeared. The lights in the medical bay were dim and he was alone. He debated whether he should get up or just go back to sleep. He closed his eyes and fell into a deep slumber.  
  
He awoke to the sounds of people milling about. Most were complaining about burning eyes and throats. Dr. Phlox seemed to have his hands full. Trip came over and sat down on the side of Archer's bed.  
  
As Archer forced himself upright, he asked, "Trip, what the hell is going on here?"  
  
"Well, Cap'n after you fell asleep, T'Pol wouldn't let us wake you. She called Erosha's people to come pick her up. Against T'Pol's objections, Erosha's pet was released. The stench immediately knocked out two of our guys. Two-thirds of the crew are sick. Doc says it's from the smell so he's giving all the crew nasal inhibitors. The only one not affected is T'Pol. The Doc thinks its because she already had one. He got you while you were sleeping. Oh, the cook wants to talk with you. It seems that Erosha's pet was hungry. He made it to the kitchen and we're all vegetarians now. Boy, does he have a bone to pick with you. T'Pol wants Erosha and her pet spaced. Hoshi is trying to convince the Istarains to pick Erosha up early but they're in the middle of trade negotiations. Erosha's pet tried to hump T'Pol's leg. T'Pol fed and watered Porthos who also tried to hump her leg. It's a real zoo out there."  
  
Archer groaned, "Maybe I should just go back to bed."  
  
Chapter 6  
  
Archer had to drag himself out of bed. God, his head ached. It had started again. It wasn't a T'Pol headache, but a 'Look what I get to deal with now' headache. He clicked off in his mind the steps he'd have to take. One. Get Erosha's pet secure. He asked, "Trip, have they caught Erosha's pet?"  
  
"In a way. He's trapped in the food storage area," answered Trip.  
  
Jonathan closed his eyes tightly and re-opened them. "Here's what I want you to do. Run all the air purifiers full blast. Get Erosha in my ready room. Tell Sub-Commander T'Pol I need her now. I'll be in my cabin."  
  
"Cap'n, the Sub-Commander is changing right now, after everything that's happened."  
  
"Trip, I don't care if she's naked. I want my wife in my quarters now," he seethed. His head was throbbing.  
  
Trip stopped. He felt like he was moving in slow motion. *My wife* Peering at his friend, he knew it had been an unconscious slip. I'll be damned, Trip thought to himself. Just like his friend to reach for the seemingly unattainable. Trip knew, like the Enterprise, Jon wouldn't stop until he got what he wanted. No matter how impossible it seemed.  
  
Jonathan stepped on the floor, only to realize he still only had on one boot, an unwelcome reminder of everything that had happened within the last 48 hours. "Damn it, Trip. I have to get some boots," grumbled Archer.  
  
The room was jammed with crewmembers waiting in line to receive nasal inhibitors. The hallway was almost as bad, crewmembers scrambling about, congesting the small corridor. Trip was a few steps in front of Archer as they exited sickbay. They were maneuvering through the crowd, when Trip abruptly collided with a container, knocking it over. Trip stumbled and threw his arms out. Archer stopped in time to watch Trip slide on the wet, brown corridor floor and land on his rear. His flailing arms made the brown goop spurt everywhere.  
  
Archer couldn't help but grin. For once this week, it wasn't him. He held out his hand hoping to help Trip up, only to be jostled from behind. He pitched face forward and landed in the gunk. As Archer looked up with a face full of goo, it was Trip's turn to laugh. Archer wiped the slime from his face. As he did, he noticed the smell. It was ground meat. They had gone down in pureed meat.  
  
As Archer regained his footing and Trip struggled to stand, they were met by a furious chef carrying a knife, bucket and large ladle.  
  
"Captain, I want a word with you. How do you expect me to cook like this?" He shrieked swinging the knife haphazardly. "There I am, preparing the most wonderful roast. Tenderly basted in its own broth, so it melts in your mouth. Then this hairy ape-like thing burst through the door, wrecked my kitchen and sucked down my roast, pan and all. I beat it with my spoon. It tossed me aside and broke my favorite spoon, the only wooden one on this can. I can't work like this. It's uncivilized!" he started to cry. "Now, you've ruined the only meat we had that that monster didn't contaminate. Do you realize it destroyed my kitchen, devoured my roast and demolished everything in the food storage area except this container? How it missed this one I have no idea. Then You," he pointed at Archer, "and You," he pointed at Trip, "decided to play in it. Almost a hundred people aboard and you two roll in it. This is intolerable."  
  
Archer shrugged.  
  
Trip looked at the ladle and bucket and then down to the floor.  
  
"You were going to feed us this?"  
  
"You act like barbarians, you should eat like barbarians. We have a roast- stealing, spoon-breaking ape carousing the ship. I'm surrounded by savages," wailed the tearful chef.  
  
Erosha's pet sprinted down the corridor. Knocking everyone out of its way, it slammed the chef into both the Captain and Trip, sending them all back into the mess. The chef was the first one up, he dropped the bucket and ladle and went chasing after Erosha's pet, brandishing the knife and screaming at the top of his lungs, '"Ahhhhhaaaa, you ate my roast, you spoon-breaking pervert."  
  
"I guess it's not in the storage area anymore," pronounced a tired Trip.  
  
"Trip, I'm going to take a shower. Send everyone you can after him. I don't want to find myself eating Erosha's pet in the morning. And, Trip, get cleaned up." Archer said as he forced himself back up. He shook both his hands causing pieces of meat to fall to the floor. As Archer arrived at his cabin door, ready for a nice clean shower, a party of crewmembers ran past him carrying their phasers. T'Pol. A fleeting thought passed through his mind as Archer screamed out to the running crewmen, "Only stun!" He watched as several crewmembers stopped dead in their tracks resetting their phasers. Archer shook his head. That's what you get for humping her leg. 'Oh My God, Porthos.' She wouldn't, not sweet, innocent, little Porthos. Archer rushed into his cabin.  
  
Chapter 7  
  
It felt glorious to shed his soiled uniform and shower, Archer thought as the first drops of water hit him. He had just rinsed off and was starting to shampoo his hair when the water stopped. It was one of those days. He just wanted to scream. Archer wrapped a towel around his waist, stepped out of the shower and hit the communicator on the wall. "Trip, my shower."  
  
"I heard you, Captain, I'll have the water running in a few minutes," answered Trip. "Hoshi informed me that T'Pol is on her way."  
  
Archer took another towel and wiped down his hair, trying in vain to get all the soap out. He had almost succeeded, when he heard the outer door to his quarters open. He cautiously opened the bathroom door and stuck his head out.  
  
There stood Sub-Commander T'Pol. He wondered how she always looked calm, cool during any situation. She was dressed in a gray jumpsuit that clung to her body like a second skin. There was a closure in the front but it was unzipped revealing the hollow of her breasts. She stood in the middle of his cabin hands behind her back.  
  
Archer started to tell her he'd be out in a minute when Porthos jumped off the bed and approached her. Archer flew out of the bathroom and eased his dog away from her leg. He looked up into her eyes. He felt naked under her gaze. He abruptly realized his towel had fallen to the floor in his attempt to restrain Porthos. He scooped it up, hurriedly wrapping it around his waist, covering his manhood. Damn. If he looked any longer at his science officer, he could just hang the towel from it. Archer could feel his face grow hot. Great, that's all she needs, Archer reflected, to think that I'm going to hump her leg.  
  
Luckily for him, T'Pol was still gazing at his chest as she began speaking. "You wanted to see me, Captain?"  
  
"In a minute."  
  
Archer backed towards the bathroom, careful not to lose his hold on the towel. After safely making it inside, he closed the door. Leaning against it to compose himself, he realized he had left his top and uniform jacket on his bed. Oh well, at least he had his pants. He grabbed his underwear to dress, when the shower came back on. Dropping his underwear, he quickly stepped into the shower and washed the rest of the soap out of his hair. Still dripping, he pulled on his clean underwear and uniform pants before stepping out to confront T'Pol.  
  
He couldn't help but notice that T'Pol's eyes kept falling to his chest. "Sub-Commander, before we get down to business, is there something you want to ask me? You seemed distracted."  
  
Her eyes traveled to his face. "Captain, Vulcan men do not have hair on their chests. It is unsettling," she revealed, her voice not as sure as it had been earlier.  
  
Archer crossed to his bed and grabbed his top. Raising it to insert his head, T'Pol's voice stopped him.  
  
"May I ask what you want to talk to me about?"  
  
Archer lowered his hands and crossed over to her. "A report would be nice, T'Pol."  
  
"Captain, my report is as follows. Due to your ordeal, you required sleep. I took control of the Enterprise. At 0400 hours a Klingon vessel approached, communication was exchanged and we convinced them to leave. During this time, the creature was let out of its cage, despite my vehement objections. Most of the crew fell ill within 23 minutes. The creature had an unfortunate encounter with the chef and then located the food storage area. I requested Erosha's presence but the creature did not respond to her verbal commands. It tried to acquaint itself with my leg with unsatisfactory results. I ordered it be contained within the storage compartment. Dr. Phlox informed me that the crew was suffering from a chemical odor emitting from the creature. He believed a nasal inhibitor would relieve these problems. I instructed all afflicted personnel to report to sickbay. I fed and watered your dog, which also attempted to become acquainted with my leg. The creature escaped the food storage area and resumed its exploration of the ship. I ordered the creature be stunned or killed for the good of the crew. I was bathing when Hoshi informed me that you wished to speak with me in your quarters immediately."  
  
"Have you communicated with Erosha's people yet?"  
  
"Due to unforeseen circumstances, they broke off their negotiations early. After a message from Erosha was sent, they requested we rendezvous in three days. I plotted the course." T'Pol handed Archer the data pad she had held behind her.  
  
He looked it over twice and set it down. "What would I do without you, T'Pol?"  
  
"Based on statistically projected outcomes, you would have failed without me, Captain," she stated matter-of-factly.  
  
Archer smiled. That was his officer, a true self-important Vulcan deigning to assist the poor helpless Humans. The hardest thing for Archer to admit was she was right. He didn't know what he'd do without her. 


	2. RandR conclusion

"Captain?" Trip's voiced floated in the air.   
  
Archer calmly walked over to the monitor "Yes, Trip?"  
  
"Captain I think you should meet us in sickbay. You're not going to believe this." Trip's answer floated back to him.  
  
"I'm coming. Archer out."  
  
Archer smiled at T'Pol. "Shall we?"  
  
They made their way to medical. As the doors opened they noted at least four small boxes open on the ground by Phlox's feet. Another was tossed haphazardly on the lab's desktop with a small hill of light gray powder lying on a small square paper.  
  
Erosha stood next to Trip.  
  
"Trip what is all of this?" quizzed Archer.  
  
"Captain all I know is when I went to get Erosha her quarter's looked like a lab of some sort, so I confiscated some of the items and sent them here. After that, I called you. Then I called Hoshi so she could translate this writing." Stated Trip.  
  
"Good Job Trip." Turning to Erosha "Care to tell me what all this is about?"  
  
'It's just a little something to trade, Captain. I promise you that it's not harmful." Her thin lips curved up.  
  
"Why don't we just see?" Archer turned to Phlox. "Can you analyze this?" he said, pointing to the powder.  
  
"Captain I assure you that it's not necessary." Erosha quickly interjected.  
  
"I'll be the judge of that."  
  
Phlox gently placed on his gloves and tenderly scoped up a small sample of powder and placed it carefully on a slide. He then placed it under his microscope. After Phlox got through annualizing the powder in the vial he turned to Archer. "Captain, this contains crushed animal bones, mostly chicken bones, with DNA skin cells from you and sub-commander T'Pol."  
  
Archer looked over at T'Pol who stared back in one of those 'here we go again' looks.  
  
"Why?"  
  
"I believe that it's a love-making potion, similar to some humans used when they grinded up animal horns and tusks in your culture. I believe it was used to improve sexual performance."  
  
Archer couldn't help but smile. Placing up his hand in front of his mouth, he started laughing, and not to softly.  
  
Just then Hoshi came running in." I deciphered it Captain. It says the Captain and the Vulcan."  
  
"You've got to be kidding?" Archer turned towards Erosha. "So Erosha, do you want to explain this?" Archer grabbed one of the bottles and held it up for her inspection.  
  
"Captain this is a very delicate matter. You just don't understand the way my species mates. It is not like how you mate with your female. My species is both male and female in its make up therefore we need a little stimulus. Do you know how highly sexual you humans must be to stimulate a Vulcan? So much so that you have to give her her own quarters, so you can rest" Erosha closed her eyes shivered for a minute then open them looking downward as she did so.  
  
"And this little bottle will do it for you" quizzed Archer with a slight smile  
  
"Why do you think I kept raking your skin with my forearm, I could tell from our first contact that you where highly sensual. My hair collected tiny skin cells particles from you while I rubbed your arm. My pet then collected the cells from your Vulcan mate by rubbing her arm, while he distracted her by rubbing her leg." Erosha's voice was now a whisper.   
  
"And the chicken bones, why and how?" Archer couldn't wait for this answer.  
  
"My pet he has two stomachs and he has gotten quite a taste for the chicken, that he feed upon. The bones when chewed go into another stomach. When that is filled with bones and other misc. items the inner stomach lining descends, wraps these items up and expunges them. As for the why, it was easier to retrieve bones from dead food stock then to kill you and your woman for yours. Plus I was out numbered."  
  
"And the supplies to make these and the bottles?" Jonathan cocked his eyebrow.  
  
"From my pet's stomach." Erosha stated.  
  
Archer's shook his head, letting out an exasperated breath before he spoke. "Erosha I'm going to have to confiscate these and have them destroyed. I really don't feel like being hunted all over the universe for my and my science officer's cells and bones. I feel for your predicament but you're going to have to find something else to stimulate yourself and your people with." With a quick glance around, he pocketed the small vial as a keepsake. Turning to Phlox, he gestured to the rest. "Can you destroy these for me? Trip escort Erosha to an unoccupied room until her people come to pick her up. Then find that pet of hers and get it back into its cage." The last person Archer passed as he started to leave medical was T'Pol.  
  
T'Pol had that 'I told you so' look.  
  
Archer growled "Don't even say it." And then left for his quarters. God he needed to unwind.  
This week and a half felt like it aged him ten years.  
  
Archer was headed up to the Bridge. He was just about to get in the lift when Porthos came running down the ship's corridor. Archer turned "Porthos!" He had just taken a step forward to follow Porthos, only to find himself flying forwards. After lying on the ground for a moment, he sat himself up only to witness Erosha's pet running down the corridor followed by a string of security, each one firing.  
  
T'Pol's hand came out and Archer took it. He was gently pulled up. Archer could feel the anger boiling in him. He tried to calm himself before he spoke. "T'Pol, I want them off my ship. Just off go to wrap 4, find that ship, and get them both off." Even to his own ears his voice sound low and strained. "I'll be in my quarters. I need a vacation." He paused "T'Pol could you get Porthos for me?" He was a little bit surprised that T'Pol held her tongue knowing how she felt about Porthos, but he silently thanked her for it.  
  
"Yes Captain." was her reply. To Archer, at that moment, it was the most beautiful sound he had ever heard.  
  
The rest of his day seemed pretty normal. He and T'Pol manned the bridge. Malcolm took care of security and weapons. T'Pol had reassured Archer that Porthos was okay. She'd located him and placed him back into Archer's quarters. Archer was beginning to feel giddy especially after security had called to tell him that Erosha's pet was under control and back in the crate.  
  
It was on the second day that they returned Erosha and pet back to her people, Jonathon showed up and was courteous and in complete control. It wasn't till Erosha left that he jumped up and down and gave Trip a high five. T'Pol only stood there watching, until they settled down.  
  
"Sir, I would highly suggest a vacation somewhere nice and quiet, where you could relax while we clean up the Enterprise from this latest endeavor of yours."  
  
"Noted T'Pol. That is an excellent suggestion and you're coming too." Archer smiled  
  
"Captain I am Vulcan, I do not need a rest." Her voice reined in that superior tone.  
  
"Well then you can come to keep us humans out of trouble." Archer smiled and gave her a wink.  
  
"Cap'n, Can Hoshi come? She's been working awfully hard." added Trip.  
  
"Sure. That will give me time to see Riann and relax. T'Pol could help get some food for Enterprise and keep us out of trouble." Archer said as his eyes caught T'Pol's. It was only in her eyes that Archer could see subtle flickers of her emotions. At the name Riann there was a sudden flair that quickly died, Archer unknowingly smiled. "T'Pol you know where we're going take her. You're in command. Come on Trip lets pack." Archer beamed over at Trip as they both ran down the corridors to their quarters.  
  
It seemed like forever to get to Archer's little girlfriend Riann. Half the Enterprise had been cleaned. When they neared the planet Archer sat back in his captain's seat with a big smile plastered on his face. He and the others had being done up to appear Atatti.  
  
T'Pol stood up abruptly from her station. "Captain I would advise that we go slowly. There seems to be a cultural ceremony going on."  
  
Archer just tossed her a smile and hit the COM on his chair. "Trip are we ready to leave?"  
  
I've been ready for two weeks." came his voice through the COM.  
  
The Captain pulled himself up. "Mayweather, you're in command. Archer seemed to skip as he came over to T'Pol. Grabbing her by her hand, he pulled her towards the lift.  
  
"Captain I still have things to do." She seemed to protest. He still pulled her in. Standing in back of her he wrapped his arms around her and held her in place with his chin coming to rest on her shoulder. The long fake dark hair T'Pol wore made her kind of cute.  
  
"You're not going anywhere but down to the planet." he whispered though her long hair.  
  
As the lift opened up, Hoshi and Trip where waiting, their bags on the floor. Their mouths dropped as they saw Archer's arms wrapped around T'Pol, his fingers interlaced and laying on her stomach while his chin rested on her shoulder. He gave them both a wonderful childlike smile as he let T'Pol go. "Trip you got our bags and grabbed some candles for T'Pol right?"  
  
"Yes, Captain we're ready."  
  
  
The shuttlecraft seemed small with each of them carrying an overnight bag and some of the local money. From time to time Archer caught that look in T'Pol's eyes. Finally he couldn't bear it any more. "T'Pol, what's worrying you, yes I know Vulcan's don't worry, but what is it?"  
  
"Captain, it would be more appropriate if we studied their ceremonies." She answered but all ha saw was disbelief like 'how did he know.'  
  
As they exited, everyone felt more at ease. "While" said Archer as he stretched "I'm headed towards Riann's, T'Pol can find us something to eat and do some shopping. Trip forget it. You and Hoshi just enjoy yourselves."  
  
As they neared the village the small group broke up into different directions. Trip and Hoshi where holding hands and whispering, while T'Pol headed toward the vast marketplace in the center of town.  
  
Archer's first stop was to Riann. He stopped to check on the bottle of whiskey and two long stemmed roses. He pulled himself upright and knocked.  
  
It wasn't long before Riann was standing there with a big smile on her face, her long hair pulled back. She took a single step outside looked around then grabbed Archer and pulled him in closing the door behind him. He had barely placed his items down on her table when she jumped into his arms and started kissing him.  
  
Trip couldn't believe how wonderful it felt to be with a pretty girl, walking on the soft ground, feeling real air. Then he saw it, a beautiful pink alabaster bracelet. It looked so fragile, just like Hoshi. Trip could feel himself blushing.   
  
Hoshi stood in the center of town watching older people walk by. She wondered, but only briefly, why there where no children or young people out. She saw Trip from the corner of her eye run to the nearest booth. She was about to follow him, but before she could he was running back to her holding an exquisite bracelet. He gave her one of his most charming smiles, clasping her hand and looking deep into her eyes. Before he could say anything, they where grabbed by two rough hands and yanked apart. Another guard stopped in front of them. "Your IDs!" The guard took there IDs. After a check he motioned to the guards on Trip and Hoshi, "Bring them."  
  
Trip couldn't catch his breathe as he caught up with T'Pol in the small Market place. She was just ready to buy some yellow greenish fruit when Trip grabbed her arm. Finding it difficult to breathe he bent over and tried to catch his breath. T'Pol gripped his arm hard and brought him up so he stood fully erect. "Calm down. What is the meaning of this display?" questioned T'Pol as she placed the fruit back in its stall, her other hand held tightly to Trip.  
  
"It's Hoshi, they got her." still trying to catch his breath.  
  
"Who's got her? Please calm yourself down Commander Tucker." T'Pol's dark eyes catching Trip's.  
  
"The Corrin, her ID has her as nineteen. Here that's a minor and they arrested her until her parents come to spring her. I tried but they said that they wouldn't release her to a boyfriend only both of her parents. If we don't get to her they're going to send her away to an Akaali advance girl's school."  
  
"Interesting." spoke T'Pol as her eyebrow edged up a bit.  
  
Trip fought to free himself from her grasp but couldn't. "Interesting! Is that all you have to say, you pointy eared Vulcan. We've got to save her." His voice dripping in its desperation.  
  
"Then I suggest that we locate Captain Archer and discuss a plan of action." T'Pol slowly let Trip escape her grasp.  
  
Trip gripped his arm, rubbing where she had held him. "Godzilla." he said under his breathe, only to have T'Pol give him a blank look.  
  
  
Captain Jonathan Archer was fulfilling his relaxation by lying with his head on Riann's lap  
while she read softly to him. Her voice was soothing as he gently pulled her head down to his and kissed her, only to have her door burst open causing both Archer and Riann to look up. T'Pol and Trip stood in the doorway. T'Pol looked calm but Tucker seemed to be in a panic and breathing hard. Riann was just getting up as T'Pol gracefully made her way over to and gave her a Vulcan nerve pinch. Riann pitched forward. Archer caught her and lowered her onto the floor as he stared up at T'Pol. "What the hell was that?' he yelled at her.  
  
"She'll just have a headache; she should be out for 2.9 hours. It's just a Vulcan nerve pinch." She stated matter of factly.  
  
"Can you please stop making her go unconscious? If you're not shooting her you're nerve pinching her." Archer said as he picked Riann up and gently laid her down on the bed that he had just vacated. He'd have to have a long talk with his science officer.  
  
"We have Enterprise business to discuss." T'Pol added.  
  
"T'Pol Riann knows. I told her all about us." Jonathan stated only to have T'Pol raise her eyebrows.  
  
"That was very unwise of you Captain it may interfere with this culture's development. Or am I to understand that any female with a pulse and who is attractive to you should be told everything?" There was no inflection in her voice, but Jonathan was about to hit her.  
  
They where interrupted by Trip. "Can you two stop this; either kill each other or jump each other's bones and get this over with. We have Hoshi to worry about."  
  
"What's wrong with Hoshi? Where is she?" Archer looked from one to the other.  
  
"She's been arrested as a minor by the Corrin. We don't have very long to get her out. I was there when they questioned her about her parents. She told them that you and T'Pol were her parents and that I was going to get you."  
  
"Me and T'Pol?' Archer all most fell over.  
  
"Hoshi and I thought it best, they allowed us sometime together and you didn't tell anyone that you told your friend everything, so we went with you and T'Pol. Hoshi told them that she would only tell them her parent's names if they would let me go get you. They think I'm the boyfriend  
because we were sorta holding hands when they asked us for our ID's. Unless we are going to fight to get her out you two have got to get a marriage license to show them and your ID cards. You need those two forms to get her out, or she's shipped off to school." His voice was rushed and loud.  
  
T'Pol quickly looked over at Archer." I am sure that the Captain can come up with an alternate plan of action."  
  
Archer gave her an evil little smile "well the only one that could have help us, since she's  
with the counsel, seems to be out for 2.9 hours. So Mrs. Archer should we go pick up our wayward daughter?"  
  
T'Pol dark eyes flashed for a minute, she looked so cute as an Akaali. She pushed a stray strain of long black hair behind her ear only to watch as Jonathan approached her and looked deeply into her eyes. His eyes never leaving hers, he carefully removed the strand of dark hair from   
behind her pointed ear and brushing the side of his hand against her ear he let the strand fall back over her ear hiding its tiny point.   
  
"So now all we have to do is get documents saying were married and something tells me."  
Archer looked over at Trip "You and Hoshi all ready know how."  
  
"Well yes Hoshi met an Akaali who deals in finding anything one needs. She told me what to say but they have to see you marry in the counsel since your names aren't in the system. I'm getting a fake preacher who will marry you at the council meeting. Then after you marry, you both get the certificate and then if all goes well we can show the paper and your IDs and get her out." Trip turned to his old friend Jonathan "Good luck, you're going to need it. I better get you that fake for you two. I'll meet you at the council meeting in about an hour." Trip pulled his cloak over his face and ran out the door leaving T'Pol, Archer and an unconscious Riann.  
  
T'Pol turn uneasily to Jonathan "Captain, Vulcan's do not play act. There must be another way."  
  
Archer shrugged his shoulders. "T'Pol why don't we just go down introduce ourselves as   
Hoshi's parents and see if we can just get her out. Maybe they won't check marriage certificates.  
T'Pol seemed to brighten at Archer's suggestion. As they hit the street, the Corrin seemed to be everywhere. Their grey uniforms stood out on the stone paved streets of town. It didn't take long for both Archer and T'Pol to make it to the Corrin station. The guard on duty was a small round Akaali who sat there eating creme filled snacks.  
  
As Jonathan approached he placed his arm around T'Pol's shoulder and smiled. With his free hand he took out his ID along with T'Pol's and gave a fake cough that forced the Akaali to peer over the desk at them. Archer handed the man his ID "My wife and I are here to pick up our daughter Hoshi, her boyfriend just informed us."  
  
"When was she taken off the streets?" the Akaali snarled at Archer.  
  
"This morning" said T'Pol softly.  
  
"Here we go, can I please have your marriage licenses?" he asked of them.  
  
"I'm sorry but on our rush here we forgot." Archer said with a half smile.  
  
"Without licenses, no daughter. Too many young people and adults don't follow the new laws." the guard snapped back.  
  
"Can we at least see our daughter?" Archer checked around him, he could have T'Pol do that nerve pinch thingy but the other 12 Corrins. No, they have to play this little game out.  
  
"She is in housing pad two-thirty four." The Akaali didn't get up but instead he pointed a fat finger down the adjacent hallway.  
  
Slowly Archer and T'Pol made there way through twisted corridors. Each hallway had a guard checking IDs. They slowly made their way to Hoshi's cell. After the guard scanned their IDs, he pushed another button opening up her cell door.  
  
"Hoshi what is going on here?" Archer whispered in a harsh voice.   
  
Hoshi cast a look over her shoulder just in case. "From what I gathered Captain new laws where passed mostly dealing with young Akaali. It seems that the Akaali have passed laws on certain holidays that from sunrise till sundown any female child unless, accompanied by their parents, is not allowed out with a member of the opposite sex. I seem to have violated that" she whispered.  
  
Archer just shrugged while T'Pol kept a look out for the guard. "We'll get you out of here, but me and T'Pol?"  
  
This time it was Hoshi who shrugged and gave him a little smile. "You two where the only ones from Enterprise, and you're both old enough to have a daughter my age."  
  
Archer shook his head "Gee thanks. Listen we're going to get you out of here. We're meeting up with Trip later on."  
  
T'Pol quickly pulled away from the door "Captain someone is coming."  
  
Commander Tucker tossed open the door and quickly stepped to Archer's side.  
  
"Jon, it's all arranged. You and T'Pol have less then 20 minutes to get down to the counsel chamber and the guard wants you to verify me, that's the only way I could come in here. I thought you both would be down here. When you didn't show I wanted you both to know that your fake minister is a waiting."  
  
Jonathan shook his head and started out. He motioned to T'Pol who didn't move.  
  
"Captain I must talk to Hoshi and Commander Tucker for a moment in order to deceive the Akaali."  
  
"You'll have to kiss" Trip nodded to T'Pol "three times, once at the beginning to show love, in the middle for commitment and the last as one voice." Trip pulled T'Pol to the side and whispered so only she would hear. "T'Pol don't kill me but for Enterprise and Hoshi you got to kiss him."  
  
"Commander. Vulcans do engage in the showing of affection to each other in privacy and that includes kissing. Captain Archer has kissed me. But you humans carry a lot of diseases which is easy transferred through mouth to mouth contact. I can list them for you?"  
  
"No thank you"  
  
Archer gave her a little half smile and preceded out, running almost smack dab into the guard. The man produced a small instrument and Archer gave him his fake ID and watched it being scanned. After the guard scanned it, he handed his ID card back to Archer with a guttered huff.  
Archer stood there for what seemed like forever. The guard's eyes were trained on him making Archer feel very uncomfortable. Archer felt himself fidgeting. He was just about to go back when T'Pol, escorted by Commander Tucker, exited Hoshi's room. Tucker's face was flushed and he wore a dopey smile. Archer bite his tongue, he wanted to know but not really.  
As T'Pol passed him, she slapped Archer on his butt knocking him into the guard. The guard peeled himself away from the corridor wall and helped Captain Archer to his feet and off him. Archer stood stunned, looking at T'Pol in shock amazement.  
  
"Aren't you coming?" she called back over her shoulder at Archer. Tucker just looked at him dopey like and shrugged. As the guard regained his footing he pressed in Archer's hand a pair of cuffs "Buddy" he stated "You need this more then I do. Don't worry I have an extra pair" Archer could only smile back in what look like a 'what the hell did I get myself into' smile.  
  
Archer could only smile as he closely followed behind T'Pol and Trip. As he caught up with them, he touched T'Pol's arm. "What was that about?" He stated in a bit of confusion and shock.  
  
"Isn't that what humans do?" T'Pol asked innocently. She seemed to measure her Captain's look and turning to Tucker "Isn't that what you and Hoshi told me you humans do?"  
  
Tucker looked at his friend, giving Archer one of those 'poor me' looks since Archer wasn't going to help out. "No T'Pol that's what he" Tucker pointed to Archer"might do."  
  
Archer with his butt still stinging couldn't help but smile. He was going to slap his science officer in her rear but instead he came along beside her and placed his hand on her behind. "This Sub-commander, is what you do to a captain who can toss you butt in the brig." Archer looked over at Trip. "One more misunderstanding and it's brig time."  
  
Tucker tried to look cute. He knew that even with all the threats Archer wouldn't do anything because of the Enterprise engines. "Yes Sir" was all he could manage hidden under a smile.  
  
The fake marriage was something to see. T'Pol and Archer dressed as Akaali's standing in front of eight judges and a rather homely minister. At the beginning of the ceremony Archer leaned over and kissed T'Pol who stood like a stiff wooden statue, thus having Archer whisper in her ear  
"Can you at least relax? It's like kissing a wooden Indian in front of a dollar store." T'Pol edged up her eyebrow and stared. "T'Pol just kiss me, that's an order. Let's get this over with." he snarled under his breath. The words of the minister were lost as he motioned the two should kiss for the second time. This time T'Pol grabbed at Archer grabbing him by his rather drab cotton brown coat. She kissed him. She almost touched his tonsils with her tongue. Archer was shocked he never expected such a kiss from T'Pol. She was good. She was great as she let him loose.   
  
Jonathan smiled the goofiest smile as he grabbed her this time for the last kiss. He was hot, but the Minster stepped between them. "Children I think that also qualifies as the last kiss, you have time for that for the rest of your lives." The eight-counsel members squirmed in their chairs and agreed with the Minster's recommendation. The minister's voice penetrated through Archer's lust filled mind "I pronounce you joined" and under the Minster's breath "Not a moment too soon. Wait until you're in a motel."  
  
Just as they were announced joined, Riann came in. She looked awful. Archer turned around as she came up to him and gave him a look of pure hatred. She slapped him, but when she went to slap him again T'Pol grabbed her arm and pulled it back.  
  
"You will not harm my…"T'Pol stopped took a look at her Captain before she turned to Riann "my husband."  
  
Riann was stunned, her mouth gaping open as T'Pol dropped her arm and went straight up to the counsel. "I request the marriage certificate." She stood straight erect. A part of Archer liked that as he helped Riann to her feet.  
  
The counsel signed and handed T'Pol the certificate. Slowly T'Pol seemed to saunter over to Archer.  
  
"Riann I can explain." His eyes seemed to plead with her.  
  
Riann was about to give in as T'Pol reached him stating in a matter of fact term." We must get our daughter."   
  
With that Riann pulled her arm away from Archer and looking him straight in the eyes. "Yes, get your daughter. After tonight, leave." She hissed out at him as she stomped out of the counsel chambers.  
  
  
Archer stopped his reminiscence into the past as he set his drink down and stared over at Trip. The room seemed to spin a little as Archer tried to close his eyes, "So here I am Trip sitting with you and drinking on my wedding night, with no girlfriend. T'Pol is my wife and I'm going to have to explain all this to Star Fleet."  
  
Trip smiled at him "I'd like to be a fly on your wall when you report to Admiral Forrester."  
  
Archer just moaned and set his head on the table as Trip grabbed up his cloak. Tossing it on, he walked past Archer and placed his hand on his friend's shoulder. "Why don't you get some rest. Tomorrow its back home to the Enterprise and sanity."  
  
"What's that?" Archer murmured back to him.  
  
Archer didn't hear Trip leave. All he could think of was that he was married to T'Pol, that and that damnable kiss.  
  
That morning as the small band made their way back to their shuttlecraft. Captain Archer couldn't help but keep an eye on T'Pol, but he all so noted that Riann never appeared to ask him for his explanation or at least to say goodbye. As their shuttlecraft slowly made its way back to the Enterprise, everyone was quiet except Trip. "Cap, I don't know about you but on your next R and R take my name off the list." This said just as the shuttlecraft docked.  
  
Just before they exited Captain Archer turned to them "I think we all need some time down time after that R and R, so everyone here has a day off. I'll be in my quarters trying to explain all this."  
  
Each one made their way back silently to their own quarters.  
  
  
Archer had been seated at his desk for the last six hours trying in vain to relate everything that had taken place during the last three and a half weeks. Each draft was deleted. How did he tell Starfleet Admiral Forrester about how he had ended up married to a Vulcan? Much less about being a human aphrodisiac? Then there were chicken bones and how republicans reproduce. Jonathan leaned back in his chair and closed his eyes. They where closed less then ten minutes when a small knock on his door brought him back from a dreamlike state. "Enter." He said with a yawn.   
  
As the cabin door whisked open, T'Pol was standing there. With purpose she walked straight over to his desk and handed him a pad.  
  
Archer looked over the pad with both eyes opening wide and his eyebrows shooting up, but before he could say a word T'Pol took over. "Jonathan, my parents have transmitted that there are two Vulcan males that may be chosen as bonding partners, since their partners have died. They require me to go to Vulcan. I have transmitted that I am all ready bonded to you since our encounter and marriage. I do have respect for you and as a human you are in good physical condition. You show marked intelligence and it is not emotionally straining to be with you. If you find someone else to your liking then I will require you only every seven years and we will continue on Enterprise as if nothing happened. Since my parents are Vulcans they aren't pleased with my choice as a mate, but will remain quiet as to our state."  
  
Archer looked like he was going to say something but before he could T'Pol spoke again. "It is not a lie, they are only withholding information. Since I have the bonding license and you have not made a move against it, and the fact that it would take over 4 of your years if reversed, it seems logical for us to remain bonded/ I have given you Vulcan mating rights. After studying human sexuality and being a female, I can comply with once a week briefly. At the seven-year mark during pon farr, you will be in bed for a week. I will give you small 10-minute breaks. This is logical Captain." Before Archer could digest everything T'Pol was heading towards the door and before the door to his cabin closed she turned around and added "my parents are on their way here to met you, They should be here around 1900 hours tomorrow. Captain, please be prepared. Pon farr starts within human terms, two months, 5 days, 21 minutes and 4 no 3 seconds" and then the door closed. Captain Jonathan Archer's mouth was gapping open, his jaw all most hitting the cabin floor while Porthos hid under the desk, nestled next to Archer's leg.  
  
The only thing Captain Jonathan Archer could say was 'Oh Boy." as he deleted his report yet again.  
  
The End. 


End file.
